Global Goring


Though it brings many benefits, there are often times that I wish Al Gore had never invented the internet! I had a few mind-wandering minutes the other day and found myself thinking about how the internet makes it possible, for better or worse, for voices that would seldom be heard beyond their own four walls to be heard hither and yon. As I said, some, perhaps even most, of this is for the better. I find myself, however, at times, marveling at the cast of characters that bluster and bark across Al’s invention. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, here’s my take on them.

Mr. Vuvu Zelou bears a striking resemblance to the horns which annoyed us during the World Cup games. Same overbearing sound again and again and again. Like an organist who knows one song and plays it for every offertory. He’s got a handful of quotes that he thinks seal the deal and he’s sticking with them. In fact, he thinks he’s so good that he toots his horn to himself even when no one else is listening.

Officer Grumpke patrols the internet looking for hooligans who are in the wrong part of town or look like they might be disturbing the peace. He’s a nice guy, but doesn’t like the changes these new kids are bringing to the neighborhood. Since he can’t technically keep them out of the neighborhood, he’ll write them up for as many traffic violations as he can in order to make life difficult for them.

Mr. E. Whisperer doesn’t really come up with anything himself, but he knows how to use email effectively to pass along things that he thinks “might be of interest” to other people. This saves him from doing any real work on the matter and also provides a nice opportunity to append little notes that share what he’s heard from others about the matter. Just imagine what Sanballat could have gotten done with email—“It is reported among the nations, and Gashmu says…” (Neh 6:6)!

Mr. Huck Stir has discovered the power of internet controversy as a marketing tool for his publications. He’s taken guerilla marketing to whole new (lower) levels. Sure he’s gotten kicked off of more blog sites than one can count, but that’s the price of defending the truth (and it costs a lot less than advertising!).

Have you seen any of these guys online? Maybe there are some others I’ve missed. Send me an email about them and maybe I’ll add them to the list.

Late addition (that I forgot): Mr. Phil D. Burr is spurred on in his writing by a mental sliver or two that regularly gets rubbed the wrong way. He has an incredible knack for talking about any event or idea and squeezing a blog post out about that thing that is lodged under his skin. There really doesn’t need to be a clear path from A to B. If B is visible on the horizon (and sometimes even when its not), Mr. Burr will cut a trail toward it. 

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